Love Wasted Read online

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Chapter Thirty

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Love Wasted

  Copyright © 2017 by Shirl Rickman

  All rights reserved.

  Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products, bands, and/or restaurants referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners.

  License Notes

  This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your favorite ebook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

  Visit my website:

  https://shirlrickman.wordpress.com/

  For lovers

  Title Page

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Chapter Thirty

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Past

  Cass: Age 12

  Paxton: Age 14

  “Jump Cass, jump!” Delaney shouts, her voice barely recognizable over the sounds of the waves crashing along the shoreline.

  Wide-eyed, I shake my head from side to side, my heart racing. As I look up in the direction of where we both crawled our way down the cliffside, my breathing feels a little labored. I wipe my sweaty palms down the front of my shirt and when I glance back down at Delaney standing three feet below the ledge I’m standing on, I realize I didn’t think this through so clearly. With my back pressed firmly against the wall of dirt and rock behind me, I don’t even pay attention to the sharp point sticking into my shoulder blade. The ledge is smaller than I anticipated, the distance to the ground below farther. How many times have our parents told us to stay off these paths? They warned us about the fact that these areas can give way at a moment’s notice and now, as a lone tear drifts down my cheek, I wish I had listened.

  “Seriously, Cass! It’s not that far, and you won’t be able to climb back up the way we came. You can’t stay there forever. Jumping is your only option,” Delaney insists. “I did it and look”—she holds her arms outstretched and spins in a circle—“I’m all right.”

  I know I don’t have a choice, but I have a hard time imagining anything other than my twisted body lying on the hard sand beneath me.

  Putting her hands on her hips, Delaney huffs out a breath. “Fine. I’m going to find Paxton. He’ll help you down,” she suggests as she spins on her heels.

  I step forward without thinking, calling after her, “Laney, no!” My foot slips a little and I let out a scream, grasping for the wall behind me. It was a close call, but I remain on my feet and back up against the cliff once again. “Please don’t. He’ll know we followed him,” I plead.

  She rolls her eyes. “Who cares?” Her voice echoes around me, drowning out the seagulls flying above. “It’s better than our parents finding out we came down here. If you don’t jump by the count of five then I’m going to find him.”

  Delaney begins counting, cupping her hands around her mouth as she yells out as loud as she can, pausing a moment between each number. I can still barely hear her above the sounds of the ocean, but when she calls out four, I take a step forward again, closing my eyes. As five leaves her lips, I hesitate, open my eyes, and scream, although my body remains frozen on the narrow ledge.

  Shaking her head, Delaney turns without another word. I want to shout out and plead with her to find another way, but I know she’s right. Paxton is my only hope of getting down without getting into trouble.

  Paxton Luke is Delaney’s older brother and the boy I’ve loved since the first time I laid my eyes on him at the age of seven. Every time I’m around him, my heart flutters. Of course, he’s not thrilled about having a couple of sixth graders following him all the time. He’s not grown, or even much older than us, but as the coolest eighth grader around, he thinks he’s far more mature than we are. I don’t care that he hasn’t noticed me. My boobs are starting to come in, and as reluctant as my mom was to allow me to wear a two-piece swimsuit, I’m beginning to fill it out, which is everything a fourteen-year-old boy like Paxton Luke notices—or so I think because he has seemed to enjoy watching Cara Halloway prance around in her bikini for the last two summers.

  I want him to notice me.

  See me.

  I’m a young woman, not just his baby sister’s best friend.

  It’s the reason I agreed to Delaney’s plan of following the guys and hanging with the older kids on the beach tonight. I agreed because I’m positive he will no
tice me, will finally recognize that I’m not some silly little girl anymore. I wanted him to notice me, just not this way.

  As soon as the thought passes through my mind, I hear Paxton’s deepening voice. “Laney, what in the hell were you and Cassandra thinking?” My attention follows the sound, and I notice them hurriedly walking toward me down the beach with a group of his friends following closely behind.

  “We were thinking a bonfire sounded fun,” Delaney states defiantly.

  “Dude, she looks scared,” someone says from behind Paxton and Laney. That’s the moment his eyes meet mine, and I see a flicker of tenderness flash in his gaze before he shakes it off.

  He stands below me and the small ledge. Raising his arms in the air, he shouts, “Cassandra, I want you to jump to me, and I’ll catch you!”

  “You can’t!” I yell back down to him.

  “I can and I will! Now, dammit, just jump Cass!” he urges me.

  I slowly move to the edge and stare down at him. I hesitate.

  “On three,” he says. “One…two…three!”

  I do it. I fall forward, eyes closed, arms out, screaming. It’s a relatively short drop and our chests thump against one another before I have time to even think about falling. Paxton tries to hold his balance, but it’s hard with the momentum of my fall and the shifting sand below his feet.

  When I open my eyes, we’re face to face, my mouth inches away from his, and I lick my lips. I’m about to actually kiss Paxton Luke. My first kiss. My brain is obviously not functioning, and I see the moment he realizes exactly what I’m thinking of doing. He quickly pushes me off him and stands, causing my face to hit the sand, and tiny grains stick to my lips and face.

  As I lift my head and look up at him, his eyes are wide with shock, a little angry and a lot of embarrassment filling them. Matt and Zack are laughing behind him, and all of them are staring at me.

  “Dude! She was going to kiss you,” one of them says—I’m not sure which one because I’m still staring at Paxton.

  “What the hell Cassandra? This,” he says, waving his hand between us. “This will never happen. You’re just a kid.”

  At that moment, I decide I won’t hold back any longer.

  I push myself up and shout, “I am not a kid! I…I love you!”

  His face turns a dark shade of pink, Matt and Zack laugh louder, and Delaney gasps from somewhere behind me.

  Paxton takes a step away from me and starts laughing, even though his face doesn’t look like he finds humor in this situation at all. “Cassandra, you’re a little girl. I could never love you. You’re too silly and childish.” He turns and starts to walk away before he shouts over his shoulder, “Go home and play with your dolls or something.”

  It’s like a punch in the gut. He called me a little girl. He called me silly. Paxton said he’d never love me. I know love. I want to fall in love.

  I, Cassandra Porter, love love.

  The punch he just delivered with his words is so hard, it knocks the love for Paxton Luke right out of me. My eyes narrow and I know in that very moment, I don’t love Paxton after all.

  I hate him.

  The look on her face when I called her a silly little girl causes my stomach to turn. It hurt her. I didn’t mean to hurt her…well, actually, that isn’t the truth. I knew what it would make her feel before I said it. I may have meant to do it, but I didn’t want to hurt her. I’m not sure why I did it…okay, that’s a lie too. I know why.

  It’s because I hated seeing her scared. That funny feeling in my gut took over when I saw her, a feeling I don’t want to have because Cass is twelve and my sister’s best friend, and I’m fourteen and in eighth grade. So, I said it, and I laughed in her face.

  I’m such a jerk, but Matt and Zach were standing there and they heard her and laughed. I was right to think they’d give me crap over it. Plus, I have other plans. I’m getting out of this town. I’m going to make something of myself. I have big dreams. I want to be an architect and design buildings. I can’t think of anything I have wanted more since my grandfather gave me a book about the greatest architectural designs in the world. I was fascinated, and that’s when I knew. He told me I could do anything I want as long as I have focus and work hard. So, I need to focus, and everything about Cass Porter makes my focus blurry.

  It’s the reason I laughed at her confession of love and said what I said to her. It’s the reason she looked at me for one brief second like she might cry, but then instead gave me a look I’ve never seen from her.

  I walked away feeling like I would live to regret being cruel.

  Present

  I’m not sure how many times I knock on Delaney’s door before I finally decide to push it open. It’s obvious no one is going to hear me over the sound of the music blasting inside the apartment. After closing the door behind me, I turn and face the strangers scattered in groups around the room. Searching through each of them, I try to find anything resembling my sister’s face.

  When I called her today and let her know my flight was landing tonight, she begged me to show up for this party until I couldn’t say anything other than yes. She didn’t tell me what the party is for, only that she was having one.

  The dark room makes it harder to see. Thankfully the twinkle lights strung around the space give off enough light that I can see faces. My eyes connect with a cute brunette who gives me a smile that would normally have me ending the night with her straddling me and riding me until we’re both sated. Tonight isn’t that kind of night, though. I smile back and keep moving through the room.

  Suddenly the room erupts into a chorus of “Happy Birthday” and before I know it, Laney is walking toward me, cake in hand, singing at the top of her lungs with everyone else.

  Just as she turns and sets the cake on a table, the song comes to an end: “Happy birthday dear Cassandra! Happy birthday to you!” At the same moment, a light blonde head leans forward and blows out the candles.

  Cassandra. Cassandra Porter.

  It’s her birthday. I wonder why Delaney didn’t tell me this is a birthday party for Cassandra. The last time I saw her—which was probably briefly ten years ago when I was home last—she was her typical self.

  Confident.

  Mouthy.

  Opinionated.

  Uncomfortably polite.

  It was uncomfortable because it never seemed sincere when she spoke to me. She kept her distance, and when she was forced to talk to me, it was curt and without much emotion.

  With everyone else though? She showered them with kindness, kindness that wasn’t forced and wasn’t uncomfortable. She loved them, and they loved her.

  Once the candles are blown out and Cass is pulling them from the cake, Delaney looks up and sees me. “Pax! Oh my god!” she screeches, running toward me and throwing her arms around my neck. Without hesitation, my arms return her embrace. “I’ve missed you! You’re a sight for sore eyes!” We pull apart, looking at one another and grinning.

  When I pull her back against me into a hug, my gaze looks beyond her shoulder and lands on a surprised pair of ice blue eyes. My lips lift in both corners, but Cassandra’s stay neutral until two girls throw their arms around her, wishing her a happy birthday.

  As I watch her accept well wishes, I’m struck by how different she looks—different, yet the same. She was always beautiful with her long blonde hair, sun-kissed skin, and pink lips, but now she seems more…more…damn, I can’t put my finger on it.

  “I didn’t think you’d show,” Delaney says accusingly.

  Letting her go, I back up, taking my eyes away from the woman standing a few feet behind her. “Well, you were wrong,” I tease. “Although, you didn’t say the party was for Cassandra.”

  Delaney places her hands on her hips and tilts her head to one side a little as a slightly crooked smile spreads on her face. “Why does it matter whose party it is, especially Cassandra? You’ve known her practically your entire life.”

  Allowing my eyes to drift
over Delaney’s shoulder once more, I notice Cassandra is no longer standing there. Turning my attention back to my sister, I answer her. “Yes, I’m aware of how long I’ve known Cassandra, and that’s exactly why you should’ve told me. I could’ve stopped for a present on my way.”

  A boisterous laugh escapes Delaney’s lips. “Oh, yeah, sure—because you and Cassandra are so close.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean? You did invite me to her party.”

  “Seriously, Pax? It’s not like there’s no love lost between the two of you. Also, I asked you to come because I wanted to see you, not because of Cass’s party.”

  There’s nothing for me to say to that because it’s probably true. I don’t know when it happened, but after years of Cassandra and Delaney lurking in my shadow, always following me and my friends around like the annoying little girls they were, one day they seemed to lose interest.

  The older we got, the less Cass spoke to me and the more she talked to everyone else. In fact, she was always in love with someone else. The last time I saw her was ten years ago, the only time I came home after I left for college at NYU. It was Christmas and because I tried to prove a point to her and to myself, things got awkward. We never had a chance to talk about it because she was gone again. I called her, wanting to explain, and I even tried getting to her through Delaney, but she refused. I haven’t seen or talked to her since then.

  “Yeah…” I turn and face the room around us. I spot the birthday girl once again, standing with a glass of champagne in her hand and staring out the window overlooking the city. Her beauty strikes me in a way it never has before. I’ve always known Cassandra was something to admire, but tonight, in this light, coupled with the fact that I haven’t seen her in years, I’m noticing something different, something I still can’t put my finger on. “Yeah, you’re right,” I say to Delaney, walking away from her without looking back.

  I don’t stop until I’m standing directly behind Cassandra, my lips pressed against her ear. I don’t know why I do it—I know it won’t be welcome—but I can’t bring myself to care. She squirms a little, trying to turn around, but I don’t let her move. “Happy birthday, Cassandra Porter,” I whisper.